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Divorce is Not the Answer: Why More Couples Over 50 Are Divorcing and How to Save Your Midlife Marriage

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Photo by: Kelly Sikkema | Unsplash.com

            I have been a marriage and family therapist for more than fifty years. One of the greatest tragedies I am seeing today is the rise of midlife divorce with women initiating nearly 80% of the divorces.[i] Divorce can be devastating for both men and women, but contrary to popular perception, men suffer greater emotional wounding. I believe strongly that divorce is not the answer and most midlife marriages can be saved.

            The National Center for Family & Marriage Research (NCFMR), Co-directed by researchers Susan L. Brown and Wendy D. Manning, was established in 2007 to help improve our understanding of how family structure is linked to the health and well-being of children, adults, families, and communities. Dr. Brown’s recent article, “The Graying of Divorce: A Half Century of Change,” offers the following facts.

  • People over 50 are divorcing in record-breaking numbers, and three to four-family generations feel the effects.
  • Between 1990 and 2010, the divorce rate for U.S. married couples over 50 doubled and was even higher for couples aged 65 and older.
  • One in four persons who divorce in the U.S. is over 50, contrasted to less than one in ten in 1990.
  • More than half of gray divorces are couples in their first marriages, including more than 55 percent for couples married more than 20 years.
  • Divorce can be financially depleting. Women 50 and older experience a 45% decline in their standard of living; for men it’s 21%.
  • Baby Boomers are particularly vulnerable since they have a high rate of divorce and many went on to remarry. Second and third marriages have an even higher rate of divorce than first marriages (I know. Both my wife and I had been married and divorced twice, before we married. Third time was the charm).
  • As the divorce rate for adults over 50 soars, so does the number of adult children experiencing parental divorce.
  • In their book Second Chances, Wallerstein and Blakeslee assert, “Divorce is deceptive. Legally it is a single event, but psychologically it is a chain — sometimes a never-ending chain — of events, relocations, and radically shifting relationships strung through time, a process that forever changes the lives of the people involved.”

            The causes for divorce are varied. Each one is a personal tragedy for the people involved, but also for their children (including their adult children) and can ripple through many generations. No one says to their partner,

“I’m happily married. I love us and the partnership we’ve created. I want a divorce.”

            I suffered as a child when my own parents divorced following my mid-life father’s increasing irritability, anger, depression, and despair when I was five years old. I grew up vowing that it wouldn’t happen to me, but it did. Being a marriage and family counselor did not prevent me from having my own struggles that eventually led to divorce.

            Fortunately, I got help, learned why marriages succeed and fail, and what I could to ensure success. It hasn’t always been easy, but my wife, Carlin, and I have been happily married for forty-four years now. I have detailed what we learned and what can be most helpful to you in my book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stage of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come. I have also developed an online course, “Navigating the 5 Stages of Love,” that draws on the main issues I share with my private counseling clients.

We all want real, lasting love, whether we are in our 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, or beyond. Yet too many relationships fall apart, just when the couple could be enjoying their marriage the most. Most people don’t know why. They become disillusioned, frustrated, and lost. They have fallen out of love and mistakenly believe that they have chosen the wrong partner. After going through the grieving process, they start looking again; but often, their efforts end up in disappointment.

The 5 Secrets For Finding Keeping Your Marriage Alive and Well

            Have you ever wondered why finding the right partner and having a marriage that last through time and is passionate, nurturing, loving, and joyful has been so difficult?

            Are you in a relationship that started off great, but seems to have lost something vital?

            Are you in a mid-life relationship that could use some help? (My colleague, Chip Conley, author of Learning to Love Midlife: 12 Reasons Why Live Gets Better with Age, says with our increasing longevity midlife extends from age 35 to 75).

            Here are five secrets for a healthy marriage that lasts and gets better  through time.  

Secret #1: There are 5 Stages of Love Not Just Two.

            Many of us have come to believe that finding the right person (Stage 1) is the most important stage (Hence all the programs and dating sites that promise to help you find your soul mate). Once you’ve found that special someone, Stage 2 begins and you build a life together. We are told we are then entitled to live happily ever after. But that is not the case for most of us. Here are the 5 Stages I describe in my book, The Enlightened Marriage.

  • Stage 1: Falling In Love
  • Stage 2: Becoming a Couple
  • Stage 3: Disillusionment
  • Stage 4: Creating Real, Lasting Love
  • Stage 5: Using the Power of Two to Change the World

            Most marriages that fail do so when one, or both partners, become disillusioned.

“Is this all there is? I need more. I’m tired working to make things better and I don’t want to remain in a hollow marriage.”

But disillusionment is not only a feeling, but an actual stage of marriage that can be understood and successfully navigated.

Secret #2: Stage 3, Disillusionment, is Not the Beginning of the End But the Entre to Real Lasting Love.

            If we believe there are only two stages for having the relationship we’ve always wanted when things start to go south we ignore the signs or wear ourselves out trying to fix things. When things don’t get fixed we often blame ourselves or our partner and feel we must get out of the relationship because it seems that no matter what we do, things don’t get better.

            There is an old saying that can help us at this point,

“When you’re going through hell, don’t stop.”

Most people either remain stuck in their pain or wear down and want to bail out. What is called for here is support and guidance to keep going deeper. One of the most important things I teach people when they come to me for counseling is how to understand the value of Stage 3.

Secret #3: Stage 3 Teaches Us to Get Real.

            Falling in love is by necessity deceptive. We so want to find that right person, we all project our unmet needs and desires on them. We don’t see the real person, we see what we want and hope to see. We don’t fully share our real selves. We share the parts of ourselves we think will be most attractive to a potential partner.

            As we get older and we spend more time in our marriages, we often become more and more afraid to reveal our true selves, speak about our real needs and desires. Men often ignore the warning signs or see the signs but never really know what to do to fix things. Little by little the disillusionment builds up and often leads to divorce if a couple doesn’t get help.

            In Stage 3 we learn to recognize our projections and take the risk to slowly reveal who we really are and accept the gift of who our partner really is. We also recognize that there are unhealed wounds from our past relationships, most importantly from our first relationships—the ones we had growing up in our first family with our parents. We must get real with our past in order to have the future we all want.

            The famous psychiatrist Carl Jung said,

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”

This is never an easy task. Stage 3, if we can get help navigating it successfully, can help us release the illusions that keep us from our true selves.

Secret #4: We All Have Faulty Love Maps That Must Be Corrected.

            Most of us grew up in families where we got a distorted map of what real lasting love was all about. There were beliefs about ourselves and others that were implanted in our brains and became mostly unconscious. We were implanted with internalized messages that told us things like:

  • I am not safe.
  • I am worthless.
  • I am powerless.
  • I am not lovable.
  • I cannot trust anyone.
  • I am bad.
  • I am on my own.

            Or we see our partner through the lens of these unhelpful belief systems.

Do you recognize some of these beliefs in your own marriage?

Secret #5: Real Lasting Love Requires Three Necessary Ingredients.

            Most of us have no idea how to nourish a healthy relationship through all the challenges we face as we age. It’s as though we are given a beautiful and rare flower, but we mistakenly give it too much water or not enough. I thought all I needed to do when I got married was to be a good provider and refrain from being mean and nasty (Oh, and remember to shower regularly). But it took me a long time to learn the simple, yet necessary ingredients for real lasting love to flourish.

            Psychologist, Dr. Sue Johnson, offers guidance in her book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. She helps us remember these three ingredients with one simple word: ARE.

  • A is for Accessibility: Can we reach each other? This means staying open to your partner even when you are tired, hurt, or insecure. Answering “yes” to questions like: Can I get my partner’s attention easily? Is my partner easy to connect with emotionally?
  • R is for Responsiveness: Can we rely on each other to respond to our emotional needs?  Answering “yes” to questions like: If I need connection and comfort, will you be there for me? Does my partner respond positively to my signals that I need them to come close?
  • E is for Engagement: Do we trust our partner to value us and stay close even when we are out of sync with each other? Answering “yes” to questions like, Do I feel very comfortable being close to and trusting my partner? If we are apart, can I trust that we are still connected and cared for?

Most of us didn’t learn how to give and receive real lasting love. We forget that like food, we need these three types of nourishment often, many times a day. A big splurge on anniversaries and special occasions never makes up for what we miss if we don’t get these regular gifts of love every day.

Divorce is not the answer because we know that these skills can be taught. I believe it is never too late to have a happy marriage. And most midlife marriages are worth saving.

I am planning to offer a course called “Divorce is Not the Answer: How to Save Your Midlife Marriages,” but I’d like to hear from you. If you would be interested in attending please drop me a note to Jed@MenAlive.com and let me know. Please put “Divorce is Not the Answer” in the subject line.


[i] Professor Scott Galloway, Divorce, https://www.profgalloway.com/divorce/



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Health

Nursing Homes Are Left in the Dark as More Utilities Cut Power to Prevent Wildfires

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By Kate Ruder

When powerful wind gusts created threatening wildfire conditions one day near Boulder, Colorado, the state’s largest utility cut power to 52,000 homes and businesses — including Frasier, an assisted living and skilled nursing facility.

It was the first time Xcel Energy preemptively switched off electricity in Colorado as a wildfire prevention tool, according to a company official. The practice, also known as public safety power shut-offs, has taken root in California and is spreading elsewhere as a way to keep downed and damaged power lines from sparking blazes and fueling the West’s more frequent and intense wildfires.

In Boulder, Frasier staff and residents heard about the planned outage from news reports. A Frasier official called the utility to confirm and was initially told the home’s power would not be affected. The utility then called back to say the home’s power would be cut, after all, said Tomas Mendez, Frasier’s vice president of operations. The home had just 75 minutes before Xcel Energy shut off the lights on April 6.

Staff rushed to prepare the 20-acre campus home to nearly 500 residents. Generators kept running the oxygen machines, most refrigerators and freezers, hallway lights, and Wi-Fi for phones and computers. But the heating system and some lights stayed off as the overnight temperature dipped into the 30s.

Power was restored to Frasier after 28 hours. During the shut-off, staff tended to nursing home and assisted living residents, many with dementia, Mendez said.

“These are the folks that depend on us for everything: meals, care, and medications,” he said.

Not knowing when power would be restored, even 24 hours into the crisis, was stressful and expensive, including the next-day cost of refilling fuel for two generators, Mendez said.

“We’re lucky we didn’t have any injuries or anything major, but it is likely these could happen when there are power outages — expected or unexpected. And that puts everyone at risk,” Mendez said.

As preemptive power cuts become more widespread, nursing homes are being forced to evaluate their preparedness. But it shouldn’t be up to the facilities alone, according to industry officials and academics: Better communication between utilities and nursing homes, and including the facilities in regional disaster preparedness plans, is critical to keep residents safe.

“We need to prioritize these folks so that when the power does go out, they get to the front of the line to restore their power accordingly,” said David Dosa, chief of geriatrics and professor of medicine at UMass Chan Medical School in Worcester, Massachusetts, of nursing home residents.

Restoring power to hospitals and nursing homes was a priority throughout the windstorm, wrote Xcel Energy spokesperson Tyler Bryant in an email. But, he acknowledged, public safety power shut-offs can improve, and the utility will work with community partners and the Colorado Public Utilities Commission to help health facilities prepare for extended power outages in the future.

When the forecast called for wind gusts of up to 100 mph on April 6, Xcel Energy implemented a public safety power shut-off. Nearly 275,000 customers were without power from the windstorm.

Officials had adapted after the Marshall Fire killed two people and destroyed or damaged more than 1,000 homes in Boulder and the neighboring communities of Louisville and Superior two and a half years ago. Two fires converged to form that blaze, and electricity from an Xcel Energy power line that detached from its pole in hurricane-force winds “was the most probable cause” of one of them.

“A preemptive shutdown is scary because you don’t really have an end in mind. They don’t tell you the duration,” said Jenny Albertson, director of quality and regulatory affairs for the Colorado Health Care Association and Center for Assisted Living.

More than half of nursing homes in the West are within 3.1 miles of an area with elevated wildfire risk, according to a study published last year. Yet, nursing homes with the greatest risk of fire danger in the Mountain West and Pacific Northwest had poorer compliance with federal emergency preparedness standards than their lower-risk counterparts.

Under federal guidelines, nursing homes must have disaster response plans that include emergency power or building evacuation. Those plans don’t necessarily include contingencies for public safety power shut-offs, which have increased in the past five years but are still relatively new. And nursing homes in the West are rushing to catch up.

In California, a more stringent law to bring emergency power in nursing homes up to code is expected by the California Association of Health Facilities to cost over $1 billion. But the state has not allocated any funding for these facilities to comply, said Corey Egel, the association’s director of public affairs. The association is asking state officials to delay implementation of the law for five years, to Jan. 1, 2029.

Most nursing homes operate on a razor’s edge in terms of federal reimbursement, Dosa said, and it’s incredibly expensive to retrofit an old building to keep up with new regulations.

Frasier’s three buildings for its 300 residents in independent living apartments each have their own generators, in addition to two generators for assisted living and skilled nursing, but none is hooked up to emergency air conditioning or heat because those systems require too much energy.

Keeping residents warm during a minus-10-degree night or cool during two 90-degree days in Boulder “are the kinds of things we need to think about as we consider a future with preemptive power outages,” Mendez said.

Federal audits of emergency preparedness at nursing homes in California and Colorado found facilities lacking. In Colorado, eight of 20 nursing homes had deficiencies related to emergency supplies and power, according to the report. These included three nursing homes without plans for alternate energy sources like generators and four nursing homes without documentation showing generators had been properly tested, maintained, and inspected.

For Debra Saliba, director of UCLA’s Anna and Harry Borun Center for Gerontological Research, making sure nursing homes are part of emergency response plans could help them respond effectively to any kind of power outage. Her study of nursing homes after a magnitude 6.7 earthquake that shook the Los Angeles area in 1994 motivated LA County to integrate nursing homes into community disaster plans and drills.

Too often, nursing homes are forgotten during emergencies because they are not seen by government agencies or utilities as health care facilities, like hospitals or dialysis centers, Saliba added.

Albertson said she is working with hospitals and community emergency response coalitions in Colorado on disaster preparedness plans that include nursing homes. But understanding Xcel Energy’s prioritization plan for power restoration would also help her prepare, she said.

Bryant said Xcel Energy’s prioritization plan for health facilities specifies not whether their electricity will be turned off during a public safety power shut-off — but how quickly it will be restored.

Julie Soltis, Frasier’s director of communications, said the home had plenty of blankets, flashlights, and batteries during the outage. But Frasier plans to invest in headlamps for caregivers, and during a town hall meeting, independent living residents were encouraged to purchase their own backup power for mobile phones and other electronics, she said.

Soltis hopes her facility is spared during the next public safety power shut-off or at least given more time to respond.

“With weather and climate change, this is definitely not the last time this will happen,” she said.

This article was produced by KFF Health News, a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues and is one of the core operating programs at KFF — the independent source for health policy research, polling, and journalism.

KFF Health News is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues and is one of the core operating programs at KFF—an independent source of health policy research, polling, and journalism. Learn more about KFF.

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Previously Published on kffhealthnews.org

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Back to School Solutions for the Principal

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As the head administrator in the school building, the principal is responsible for the learning and wellness of all teachers, staff, and students. And like the people they oversee, back to school season for the school principal is exciting, full of potential, and deeply stressful.

Our experts at School Specialty constantly review our products to ensure they help your staff and students meet their goals. How do we know they’re experts? Because they were teachers!

We know we can’t solve every obstacle principals face, but that will never stop us from trying! Here are five areas where we want to help, and some curated items to supplement your efforts to provide a safe and successful learning environment.

Academic Achievement

It’s no surprise that the top of every educator’s wish for their students is academic achievement. Successful student outcomes require forward-thinking educators and principals who support them.

This often requires understanding that achievement may look different for each student. While some products may have a specific focus, the reality is that the most efficient tools will be just as useful for both the margins and the masses. Here are a few expert favorites to aid that effort.

Staff and Student Wellness

The physical and emotional wellness of educators and students is consistently shown to support student connectedness and success. For this reason, it’s often an area of emphasis for administrators.

From ensuring proper nutrition to promoting active learning to helping students manage stress and anxiety, we’re dedicated to providing the tools your schools need to support the wellness of all students and staff.

Maximize Budgets

School budgets are always a hot topic, and anyone involved in education likely has a strong opinion. But we consider it our responsibility to offer solutions that allow your school to achieve more with less. That’s why we rigorously test the durability of our brand products. We’re dedicated to ensuring you get name-brand quality supplies at affordable prices.

We’ve offered tips in the past on how to work within a budget to grow a classroom library, upgrade and update classroom storage, and take advantage of savings with classroom packs. Here are some more product ideas to help teachers get the most out of every dollar.

School Culture

Setting the tone of your school’s culture starts at the top. The principal can profoundly affect the confidence of students and staff and the prevention of bullying behavior.

These products are designed to encourage students to make positive decisions in how they treat themselves and each other. Build a culture that makes your school a welcoming place where kids want to come and learn.

Bullying prevention will help provide a safer school environment, but just as important as teaching students what not to do is encouraging them to lift each other up. Show all students they’re part of a school culture that values them with tools and manipulatives for a welcoming and inclusive classroom.

Student Engagement

Creating engaging learning environments can be done in several ways, depending on the needs of your students. Once you’ve identified what will best engage students and stimulate interest in their own learning, you then need to provide teachers with the tools they need to bring that vision to life.

The key is to provide students with choices so that they can find ways to make their education more meaningful. Perhaps they want to start a robotics program or strengthen a music program. It could even be as simple as providing sensory spaces that allow students to self-manage or taking a class outdoors to engage in active science learning.

If you’re looking for a more significant update for an engaging classroom experience, an interactive sensory corner would be a hit with students of all ages. These multisensory environments give students a calming experience, allowing them to relax and regain a sense of control.

The many ways schools evolve in teaching create a constant need for new tools to support new objectives. We may not have all the answers, but we hear your questions and won’t stop until we find solutions for every school and classroom.

Visit the School Specialty website for more information and ideas to reduce back to school stress so you can enjoy the unlimited potential of a new school year.





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How to Encourage Cultural Inclusion in Your Classroom

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With classrooms across the country becoming more diverse, it’s critical for educators to ensure students of all races and cultures feel seen, heard, and empowered to succeed. Promoting cultural inclusion in your classroom may take some work, but we’ll help you out with five ways to make it fun, meaningful, and lasting.

Know Your Students

This may sound simple, but in some classrooms, truly getting to know and understand your students as individuals can feel like it’s testing your comfort zone.

Start simple by learning their names and ensuring you pronounce them correctly. For a name that feels especially difficult, write it out phonetically for yourself until you’re sure you remember it.

If you’re unfamiliar with a student’s culture, take some time to learn about it. They may not choose to talk about it, but you’ll have a foundation to build on if the subject comes up.

Celebrate Cultural Differences

Getting to know your students is important to ensure they feel included as part of a greater community while embracing their differences. From there, you can find ways to celebrate their cultural differences as a class.

This can take many forms. Work with the students to determine their comfort level and an appropriate way to share their unique heritage.

It could be as simple as celebrating a holiday with traditional foods or making Inspiration Flags to represent their ancestry. Find activities that are designed to honor that holiday or time of year. This can range from sugar skull crafts to celebrate Dias de los Muertos in November to making stained glass clover crafts for St. Patrick’s Day in March. Take some time during Black History Month to introduce students to the contributions of black artists. The most important thing is to keep the celebrations positive, culturally inclusive, and culturally appropriate.

Directly Address Stereotypes

Unfortunately, the process of learning about different cultures may expose some stereotypes. These should be addressed immediately and thoroughly to ensure students understand how hurtful some stereotypes can be.

Most children likely don’t even realize where or when they developed stereotypical perceptions of other races or cultures. Use this as an opportunity to guide students and promote cultural inclusion. Let them ask you and each other questions as they learn to participate in respectful communication.

Community Through Collaboration

Setting students up in diverse pairs and small groups is a powerful way to encourage a multicultural sense of community. This may not work for every project, but when possible, give students the flexibility to learn from each other directly.

This doesn’t even necessarily need to include a cultural component. Simply letting students work together and earn each other’s respect can significantly impact their overall cultural outlook.

Diverse Curriculum and Supplies

Some areas of the curriculum have natural ways to incorporate cultural inclusion in education.

  • If a history lesson talks about a culture represented in your classroom, dig a little deeper and find ways to provide more meaningful context
  • Introduce multicultural arts and crafts projects and include a lesson that ties the craft and its history to part of your curriculum
  • Assign a creative writing project or essay where students imagine themselves as one of their ancestors from another country

Your use of classroom tools and supplies can also subtly impact how your students embrace cultural inclusion. For example, incorporate skin-tone paints, markers, crayons, and colored pencils into a self-portrait project to allow students to express themselves more artistically. For storytime, lay out a rug that celebrates love and cultural diversity. When building your classroom library, take advantage of bilingual book sets and read-alouds that promote cultural inclusion and diversity.

We love hearing from other teachers and educators around the country and the world. How do you create a culturally inclusive classroom? Let us know in the comments!





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