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The Hidden Secret For Becoming a Sexually Successful Male

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Part 3

            In Part 1 of The Hidden Secret For Becoming a Sexually Successful Male, I described the lessons I had learned in my life between the ages of 8 and 80 about becoming a sexually successful male. I said the secret was what I called Quiet Confidence or QC. In Part 2, I described the three interrelated reasons this secret has been hidden from us. In this article, I will help us understand the specific ways we can learn to develop Quiet Confidence.

Developing a practice to develop Quiet Confidence in our lives  allows us to interact with the world in ways that bring about success in all areas of our lives, including the important part that involves sex, love, and forming and keeping healthy intimate relationships.

            The key to developing Quiet Confidence (QC) begins with knowing who we are, accepting who we are, making decisions based on who we are, and taking actions in support of our highest, deepest, and best selves. Many would like a simple formula for achieving Quiet Confidence. But the truth is that this is a hero’s journey of a lifetime. No one would really want a quick and easy journey through life—born today, gone tomorrow—so we might as well buckle up and get ready for the ride of a lifetime. Fortunately, like all hero’s journeys there are guides along the way. Here are a few that I have found helpful in the eighty years I have been on my own journey.

1. Tuning Into Our Soul’s Calling

James Hillman, who died at age 85 in 2011, was a scholar, international lecturer, author of many  books, and an expert in Jungian and archetypal psychology. He became well known in the “men’s movement” for his work with poet Robert Bly and mythologist, Michael Meade. They co-hosted many men’s gatherings which I attended over the years.

Among his many books, I particularly resonated with We’ve Had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and the World’s Getting Worse with Michael Ventura and The Soul’s Code: In Search of Character and Calling. Hillman begins The Soul’s Code with a number of “Epigraphs in Lieu of A Preface,” including these three that, for me, capture the essence of the book:

“When all the souls had chosen their lives, they went before Lachesis. And she sent with each as a guardian of his life and the fulfiller of his choice, the daimon that he had chosen, and this divinity led the soul first to Clotho, under her hand and her turning of the spindle to ratify the destiny of his lot and choice, and after contact with her, the daimon again led the soul to the spinning of Atropos to make the web of its destiny irreversible, and then without a backward look it passed beneath the throne of Necessity.”—Plato, Republic.

“The so-called traumatic experience is not an accident, but the opportunity for which the child has been patiently waiting…in order to find a necessity and direction for its existence, in order that its life may become a serious matter.” –W.H. Auden.

“In the final analysis, we count for something only because of the essential we embody, and if we do not embody that, life is wasted.”—C.G. Jung.

When I first read The Soul’s Code, it was a revelation. I felt like my own guardian, my unique daimon, had been awakened and all the pieces of my life began to fall into place. The trauma I experienced when my father took an overdose of sleeping pills and was committed to the state mental hospital began to make sense, as well as my calling to become a healer. I was able to write about the process in my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound.  

The two most important days of our lives are (1) The day we were born, and (2) The day we found out why. Embracing our soul’s calling helps us understand our birth and the early years of our lives as well as who we are what our true calling is meant to be.

2. Healing Our Family Father Wound

I had already done a lot of healing and embracing my own hero’s journey when I read Hillman’s book, but I realized I needed to address my own father wound as well as the father wound that both my father and mother experienced in their own families. In My Distant Dad, I followed Hillman’s lead and began with three quotes that helped summarize the essence of the book.

“A father may be physically present but absent in spirit. His absence may be literal through death, divorce, or dysfunction, but more often it is a symbolic absence through silence and the inability to transmit what he also may not have acquired.”  –James Hollis

“Kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dad. And if a father is unwilling or unable to fill that role, it can leave a wound that is not easily healed.”  –Roland Warren

“You will begin to forgive the world when you forgive your father.” –Tennessee Williams’ psychiatrist

The father wound is so pervasive most of us don’t even know it is there. We fail to recognize that our addictions, obsessive strivings for success, sexual conquests, and deeply felt insecurities are related to our unhealed father wound. In order to have Quiet Confidence we must confront, process, and heal the wound of our lost fathers and how it impacts our lives, often through many generations.

3. Embracing Our Male Generational Lineage

For many of us who know we grew up in a home with an absent father, we find it difficult to feel Quiet Confidence in ourselves as men. There were times that no matter how much I accomplished or how successful I became, deep inside I felt that there was something missing in me. It seemed that when I lost my father and later my stepfather, it meant there was some quality that only men can give and I didn’t get mine. As a result, I was forever cut off, lost, and would never feel like a real man.

What changed for me was getting in touch with my male lineage. I never had a strong connection with my grandparents or great grandparents, but I realized that they existed and I could reach out and feel their presence guiding me, just as I began to feel the presence of my daimon or guardian spirit. Further, not only could I feel the many generations of fathers, but I learned the maleness itself goes back through our evolutionary history 1 billion years through all the creatures that have lived.

I could receive strength, wisdom, and guidance as I pictured this group of male ancestors going back through time. Even when I could acknowledge and accept my own father wound, I could also draw on strength from my male ancestors to help me gain the Quiet Confidence I wasn’t able to get directly from my father.

4. Accepting Our Animal Maleness

Another source of confidence we can draw on comes from the recognition that we are part of the male animal kingdom. As I spent more time in nature and read more about what we can learn from animals, I could tune into the confidence and courage that all animals exhibit. I can’t imagine a bull elk, a wolf, or stallion, having insecurities about being a male or wondering if they are “man enough.” There is a poem by Carl Sandburg, called “Wilderness” that captures the power of our male animal nature which I enjoy reading and feeling my confidence grow as I feel the presence of those animal spirits in me:  

Wilderness

by Carl Sandburg

There is a wolf in me . . . fangs pointed for tearing gashes . . . a red tongue for raw meat . . . and the hot lapping of blood—I keep this wolf because the wilderness gave it to me and the wilderness will not let it go.   

There is a fox in me . . . a silver-gray fox . . . I sniff and guess . . . I pick things out of the wind and air . . . I nose in the dark night and take sleepers and eat them and hide the feathers . . . I circle and loop and double-cross.

There is a hog in me . . . a snout and a belly . . . a machinery for eating and grunting . . . a machinery for sleeping satisfied in the sun—I got this too from the wilderness and the wilderness will not let it go.

There is a fish in me . . . I know I came from salt-blue water-gates . . . I scurried with shoals of herring . . . I blew waterspouts with porpoises . . . before land was . . . before the water went down . . . before Noah . . . before the first chapter of Genesis.

There is a baboon in me . . . clambering-clawed . . . dog-faced . . . yawping a galoot’s hunger . . . hairy under the armpits . . . here are the hawk-eyed hankering men . . . here are the blonde and blue-eyed women . . . here they hide curled asleep waiting . . . ready to snarl and kill . . . ready to sing and give milk . . . waiting—I keep the baboon because the wilderness says so.

There is an eagle in me and a mockingbird . . . and the eagle flies among the Rocky Mountains of my dreams and fights among the Sierra crags of what I want . . . and the mockingbird warbles in the early forenoon before the dew is gone, warbles in the underbrush of my Chattanoogas of hope, gushes over the blue Ozark foothills of my wishes—And I got the eagle and the mockingbird from the wilderness.

O, I got a zoo, I got a menagerie, inside my ribs, under my bony head, under my red-valve heart—and I got something else: it is a man-child heart, a woman-child heart: it is a father and mother and lover: it came from God-Knows-Where: it is going to God-Knows-Where—For I am the keeper of the zoo: I say yes and no: I sing and kill and work: I am a pal of the world: I came from the wilderness.

We all can spend more time in nature and feel our connection to the wild.

               In Part 4, I will tell you more about the secrets of sexual success I have learned between 8 and 80. If you found this article helpful, please share it with others. If you’d like to read more articles like these, please consider subscribing to my free newsletter

I am considering offering an on-line workshop for those who would like to learn more about “The Hidden Secret of Becoming a Sexually Successful Man.” If you are interested, please drop me an email to Jed@MenAlive.com and put “Sexual Success” in the subject line and I will send you more details (It will be open to both men and women).



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Health

Nursing Homes Are Left in the Dark as More Utilities Cut Power to Prevent Wildfires

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By Kate Ruder

When powerful wind gusts created threatening wildfire conditions one day near Boulder, Colorado, the state’s largest utility cut power to 52,000 homes and businesses — including Frasier, an assisted living and skilled nursing facility.

It was the first time Xcel Energy preemptively switched off electricity in Colorado as a wildfire prevention tool, according to a company official. The practice, also known as public safety power shut-offs, has taken root in California and is spreading elsewhere as a way to keep downed and damaged power lines from sparking blazes and fueling the West’s more frequent and intense wildfires.

In Boulder, Frasier staff and residents heard about the planned outage from news reports. A Frasier official called the utility to confirm and was initially told the home’s power would not be affected. The utility then called back to say the home’s power would be cut, after all, said Tomas Mendez, Frasier’s vice president of operations. The home had just 75 minutes before Xcel Energy shut off the lights on April 6.

Staff rushed to prepare the 20-acre campus home to nearly 500 residents. Generators kept running the oxygen machines, most refrigerators and freezers, hallway lights, and Wi-Fi for phones and computers. But the heating system and some lights stayed off as the overnight temperature dipped into the 30s.

Power was restored to Frasier after 28 hours. During the shut-off, staff tended to nursing home and assisted living residents, many with dementia, Mendez said.

“These are the folks that depend on us for everything: meals, care, and medications,” he said.

Not knowing when power would be restored, even 24 hours into the crisis, was stressful and expensive, including the next-day cost of refilling fuel for two generators, Mendez said.

“We’re lucky we didn’t have any injuries or anything major, but it is likely these could happen when there are power outages — expected or unexpected. And that puts everyone at risk,” Mendez said.

As preemptive power cuts become more widespread, nursing homes are being forced to evaluate their preparedness. But it shouldn’t be up to the facilities alone, according to industry officials and academics: Better communication between utilities and nursing homes, and including the facilities in regional disaster preparedness plans, is critical to keep residents safe.

“We need to prioritize these folks so that when the power does go out, they get to the front of the line to restore their power accordingly,” said David Dosa, chief of geriatrics and professor of medicine at UMass Chan Medical School in Worcester, Massachusetts, of nursing home residents.

Restoring power to hospitals and nursing homes was a priority throughout the windstorm, wrote Xcel Energy spokesperson Tyler Bryant in an email. But, he acknowledged, public safety power shut-offs can improve, and the utility will work with community partners and the Colorado Public Utilities Commission to help health facilities prepare for extended power outages in the future.

When the forecast called for wind gusts of up to 100 mph on April 6, Xcel Energy implemented a public safety power shut-off. Nearly 275,000 customers were without power from the windstorm.

Officials had adapted after the Marshall Fire killed two people and destroyed or damaged more than 1,000 homes in Boulder and the neighboring communities of Louisville and Superior two and a half years ago. Two fires converged to form that blaze, and electricity from an Xcel Energy power line that detached from its pole in hurricane-force winds “was the most probable cause” of one of them.

“A preemptive shutdown is scary because you don’t really have an end in mind. They don’t tell you the duration,” said Jenny Albertson, director of quality and regulatory affairs for the Colorado Health Care Association and Center for Assisted Living.

More than half of nursing homes in the West are within 3.1 miles of an area with elevated wildfire risk, according to a study published last year. Yet, nursing homes with the greatest risk of fire danger in the Mountain West and Pacific Northwest had poorer compliance with federal emergency preparedness standards than their lower-risk counterparts.

Under federal guidelines, nursing homes must have disaster response plans that include emergency power or building evacuation. Those plans don’t necessarily include contingencies for public safety power shut-offs, which have increased in the past five years but are still relatively new. And nursing homes in the West are rushing to catch up.

In California, a more stringent law to bring emergency power in nursing homes up to code is expected by the California Association of Health Facilities to cost over $1 billion. But the state has not allocated any funding for these facilities to comply, said Corey Egel, the association’s director of public affairs. The association is asking state officials to delay implementation of the law for five years, to Jan. 1, 2029.

Most nursing homes operate on a razor’s edge in terms of federal reimbursement, Dosa said, and it’s incredibly expensive to retrofit an old building to keep up with new regulations.

Frasier’s three buildings for its 300 residents in independent living apartments each have their own generators, in addition to two generators for assisted living and skilled nursing, but none is hooked up to emergency air conditioning or heat because those systems require too much energy.

Keeping residents warm during a minus-10-degree night or cool during two 90-degree days in Boulder “are the kinds of things we need to think about as we consider a future with preemptive power outages,” Mendez said.

Federal audits of emergency preparedness at nursing homes in California and Colorado found facilities lacking. In Colorado, eight of 20 nursing homes had deficiencies related to emergency supplies and power, according to the report. These included three nursing homes without plans for alternate energy sources like generators and four nursing homes without documentation showing generators had been properly tested, maintained, and inspected.

For Debra Saliba, director of UCLA’s Anna and Harry Borun Center for Gerontological Research, making sure nursing homes are part of emergency response plans could help them respond effectively to any kind of power outage. Her study of nursing homes after a magnitude 6.7 earthquake that shook the Los Angeles area in 1994 motivated LA County to integrate nursing homes into community disaster plans and drills.

Too often, nursing homes are forgotten during emergencies because they are not seen by government agencies or utilities as health care facilities, like hospitals or dialysis centers, Saliba added.

Albertson said she is working with hospitals and community emergency response coalitions in Colorado on disaster preparedness plans that include nursing homes. But understanding Xcel Energy’s prioritization plan for power restoration would also help her prepare, she said.

Bryant said Xcel Energy’s prioritization plan for health facilities specifies not whether their electricity will be turned off during a public safety power shut-off — but how quickly it will be restored.

Julie Soltis, Frasier’s director of communications, said the home had plenty of blankets, flashlights, and batteries during the outage. But Frasier plans to invest in headlamps for caregivers, and during a town hall meeting, independent living residents were encouraged to purchase their own backup power for mobile phones and other electronics, she said.

Soltis hopes her facility is spared during the next public safety power shut-off or at least given more time to respond.

“With weather and climate change, this is definitely not the last time this will happen,” she said.

This article was produced by KFF Health News, a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues and is one of the core operating programs at KFF — the independent source for health policy research, polling, and journalism.

KFF Health News is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues and is one of the core operating programs at KFF—an independent source of health policy research, polling, and journalism. Learn more about KFF.

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This story can be republished for free (details).

KFF Health News is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues and is one of the core operating programs at KFF—an independent source of health policy research, polling, and journalism. Learn more about KFF.

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Previously Published on kffhealthnews.org

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Back to School Solutions for the Principal

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As the head administrator in the school building, the principal is responsible for the learning and wellness of all teachers, staff, and students. And like the people they oversee, back to school season for the school principal is exciting, full of potential, and deeply stressful.

Our experts at School Specialty constantly review our products to ensure they help your staff and students meet their goals. How do we know they’re experts? Because they were teachers!

We know we can’t solve every obstacle principals face, but that will never stop us from trying! Here are five areas where we want to help, and some curated items to supplement your efforts to provide a safe and successful learning environment.

Academic Achievement

It’s no surprise that the top of every educator’s wish for their students is academic achievement. Successful student outcomes require forward-thinking educators and principals who support them.

This often requires understanding that achievement may look different for each student. While some products may have a specific focus, the reality is that the most efficient tools will be just as useful for both the margins and the masses. Here are a few expert favorites to aid that effort.

Staff and Student Wellness

The physical and emotional wellness of educators and students is consistently shown to support student connectedness and success. For this reason, it’s often an area of emphasis for administrators.

From ensuring proper nutrition to promoting active learning to helping students manage stress and anxiety, we’re dedicated to providing the tools your schools need to support the wellness of all students and staff.

Maximize Budgets

School budgets are always a hot topic, and anyone involved in education likely has a strong opinion. But we consider it our responsibility to offer solutions that allow your school to achieve more with less. That’s why we rigorously test the durability of our brand products. We’re dedicated to ensuring you get name-brand quality supplies at affordable prices.

We’ve offered tips in the past on how to work within a budget to grow a classroom library, upgrade and update classroom storage, and take advantage of savings with classroom packs. Here are some more product ideas to help teachers get the most out of every dollar.

School Culture

Setting the tone of your school’s culture starts at the top. The principal can profoundly affect the confidence of students and staff and the prevention of bullying behavior.

These products are designed to encourage students to make positive decisions in how they treat themselves and each other. Build a culture that makes your school a welcoming place where kids want to come and learn.

Bullying prevention will help provide a safer school environment, but just as important as teaching students what not to do is encouraging them to lift each other up. Show all students they’re part of a school culture that values them with tools and manipulatives for a welcoming and inclusive classroom.

Student Engagement

Creating engaging learning environments can be done in several ways, depending on the needs of your students. Once you’ve identified what will best engage students and stimulate interest in their own learning, you then need to provide teachers with the tools they need to bring that vision to life.

The key is to provide students with choices so that they can find ways to make their education more meaningful. Perhaps they want to start a robotics program or strengthen a music program. It could even be as simple as providing sensory spaces that allow students to self-manage or taking a class outdoors to engage in active science learning.

If you’re looking for a more significant update for an engaging classroom experience, an interactive sensory corner would be a hit with students of all ages. These multisensory environments give students a calming experience, allowing them to relax and regain a sense of control.

The many ways schools evolve in teaching create a constant need for new tools to support new objectives. We may not have all the answers, but we hear your questions and won’t stop until we find solutions for every school and classroom.

Visit the School Specialty website for more information and ideas to reduce back to school stress so you can enjoy the unlimited potential of a new school year.





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How to Encourage Cultural Inclusion in Your Classroom

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With classrooms across the country becoming more diverse, it’s critical for educators to ensure students of all races and cultures feel seen, heard, and empowered to succeed. Promoting cultural inclusion in your classroom may take some work, but we’ll help you out with five ways to make it fun, meaningful, and lasting.

Know Your Students

This may sound simple, but in some classrooms, truly getting to know and understand your students as individuals can feel like it’s testing your comfort zone.

Start simple by learning their names and ensuring you pronounce them correctly. For a name that feels especially difficult, write it out phonetically for yourself until you’re sure you remember it.

If you’re unfamiliar with a student’s culture, take some time to learn about it. They may not choose to talk about it, but you’ll have a foundation to build on if the subject comes up.

Celebrate Cultural Differences

Getting to know your students is important to ensure they feel included as part of a greater community while embracing their differences. From there, you can find ways to celebrate their cultural differences as a class.

This can take many forms. Work with the students to determine their comfort level and an appropriate way to share their unique heritage.

It could be as simple as celebrating a holiday with traditional foods or making Inspiration Flags to represent their ancestry. Find activities that are designed to honor that holiday or time of year. This can range from sugar skull crafts to celebrate Dias de los Muertos in November to making stained glass clover crafts for St. Patrick’s Day in March. Take some time during Black History Month to introduce students to the contributions of black artists. The most important thing is to keep the celebrations positive, culturally inclusive, and culturally appropriate.

Directly Address Stereotypes

Unfortunately, the process of learning about different cultures may expose some stereotypes. These should be addressed immediately and thoroughly to ensure students understand how hurtful some stereotypes can be.

Most children likely don’t even realize where or when they developed stereotypical perceptions of other races or cultures. Use this as an opportunity to guide students and promote cultural inclusion. Let them ask you and each other questions as they learn to participate in respectful communication.

Community Through Collaboration

Setting students up in diverse pairs and small groups is a powerful way to encourage a multicultural sense of community. This may not work for every project, but when possible, give students the flexibility to learn from each other directly.

This doesn’t even necessarily need to include a cultural component. Simply letting students work together and earn each other’s respect can significantly impact their overall cultural outlook.

Diverse Curriculum and Supplies

Some areas of the curriculum have natural ways to incorporate cultural inclusion in education.

  • If a history lesson talks about a culture represented in your classroom, dig a little deeper and find ways to provide more meaningful context
  • Introduce multicultural arts and crafts projects and include a lesson that ties the craft and its history to part of your curriculum
  • Assign a creative writing project or essay where students imagine themselves as one of their ancestors from another country

Your use of classroom tools and supplies can also subtly impact how your students embrace cultural inclusion. For example, incorporate skin-tone paints, markers, crayons, and colored pencils into a self-portrait project to allow students to express themselves more artistically. For storytime, lay out a rug that celebrates love and cultural diversity. When building your classroom library, take advantage of bilingual book sets and read-alouds that promote cultural inclusion and diversity.

We love hearing from other teachers and educators around the country and the world. How do you create a culturally inclusive classroom? Let us know in the comments!





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